It all began around 12 years ago. It was a sunny day and I was hanging washing on the line and make the most of the drying weather, when the phone rang. It was my Dad, I knew immediately something was wrong by the tone of his voice. "Dad?" I remember all he said was "I think mums dead" I remember saying "what?" and starting to cry. He proceeded to say she was on the floor and not responding and the first responder had just arrived. I remember crying and telling Dad "tell mum I love her, you must tell her I love her and I'm now on my way." He said "ok" and that was it, I took the washing off the line and put it straight in the car and we travelled to the hospital to be met by Dad.
We quickly discovered Mum had suffered a brain haemorrhage and that she needed to be transferred to another hospital and the doctor put his hand on Dads shoulder and said "be strong." At that point we knew there was a chance she may not survive. That night was the worst night of my life, I couldn't sleep for worry. I kept thinking, I am only in my early 20's, she can't die, there's still things I want us to do together.
Mum went down for surgery the next day, I can't remember how long the surgery was exactly but I know it was longer than 7 hours, it was like I was in a nightmare and couldn't wake up. On top of Mum I also had Dad to worry about, he completely fell apart. Him and Mum have been together for over 30 years now. Dad is also my best friend. So watching him fall apart was heart breaking, we'd tell each other everything was going to be ok but I think we both knew deep down it may not be.
Thankfully Mum pulled through the operation. She was in Hospital for a month recovering. It was such a relief because she was alive! But also heart breaking watching her recover. Where they'd stapled her head after the surgery she was in a lot of pain, I think when anyone we love is in pain it's hard. On top of that she also had confusion and at times it was quite severe and nobody could tell us for sure if the confusion would ever go, would we ever get Mum back? Nobody knew and that was really hard.
When she came home from hospital I stayed with them for the first 6 weeks to help. It was lovely to have her home, but also quite scary for a couple of weeks, what if something goes wrong? Mum was still a little confused but not as bad, but we still wasn't sure if the confusion would disappear completely.
During those weeks once Mum was home life went back to normal, life just carried on and everyone was happy Mum survived and was home. I was over the moon we still had Mum and she was home but I couldn't find my 'normal' I couldn't understand how everyone could just carry on. I would go out for a coffee or something and sit and watch people going about their day, smiling, laughing and I remember I would look at them and feel so angry with them for being happy and carrying on with their day. I used to think how can you carry on like everything is ok when it's not?! when in reality they knew nothing about what I had been or was going through and they too probably had their own struggles, but it was just how I felt at the time.
Once home I tried to get back to normal, but I wasn't ok. I struggled to get out of bed in the mornings and I didn't want to see anyone. This went on for a few months until I eventually broke down and said I couldn't cope and the following day I booked an appointment with my GP.
Following the appointment I was given some antidepressants to try, the only downside to this was they can take up to 6 weeks to work and you can feel worse before you feel better. But at this point I was feeling so low I was willing to give it a go.
Fast forward about 3 weeks and I began to feel 'brighter' I mean I wasn't feeling wonderful by any means but I was now finding getting out of bed a little easier so for me that was an improvement.
About 9 months after Mum recovered we found out that Dad needed a quadruple heart bypass, again my world fell apart. My Dad is my world, he's my best friend and as long as he tells me everything is going to be ok then it will be. He's my go to person when I'm worried or scared or have something funny to tell him. So finding out he'd have to have this operation was awful for me. The tables turned, I was the one having to tell my Dad that everything was going to be ok, even though I wasn't sure it would be I didn't let him see that doubt in me.
Like Mum while he was recovering from his operation he had severe confusion, again I found that incredibly hard to cope with and I also had Mum to care for and keep her spirits up. Thankfully he made a recovery and came home, but the recovery was difficult and took several weeks of me looking after them both.
Fast forward about a year and Mum and Dad were stable and I was feeling much more myself so I decided to talk to the doctor about coming off my antidepressants. We agreed and I began to cut my dose down over a 2 week period and then stop. I done great for months but then I found myself slipping back again, finding getting out of bed difficult and unlike last time where I left it for months before getting help I made an appointment that week and me and my doctor agreed I would go back on the tablets. However this time I found them to have a very different effect. I have cerebral palsy, which basically means I walk funny! But for some reason this time the tablets stopped my legs from working, I mean they literally wouldn't work! I would get out of the car and go to walk and sometimes I would manage 1 or 2 steps but then my legs would feel like concrete and I just couldn't move, which as you can imagine was quite embarrassing if I was out among people. So in the end after a couple of attempts with them and changing for a different antidepressant I stopped taking them.
Since I stopped taking the antidepressants I have had to find other ways to cope with my anxiety and depression. There are several ways I've learnt to cope with my anxiety and depression and I will share those with you in another blog.
Over the years my parents have had many things to deal with, heart attacks, heart bypass, brain haemorrhage to name just a few and that's had a huge mental impact on me, mainly because we are so close.
So lets fast forward to the last 2 years. Dad ended up in hospital incredibly poorly and both my parents stayed with me for a while while Dad recovered, he was recovering well, we were eating out etc when one day he started complaining of a headache. Now, my Dad doesn't suffer with headaches so this immediately rung alarm bells with me and I said I would get him an appointment with the doctor the following day. Dad never one to want a fuss and not particularly fond of the doctors (I mean who is!) said he didn't want a doctor and he'd be fine in the morning. The following day came, I made the appointment and we took him to see the doctor. As it stands It's a good job I got the appointment as it resulted in him having to go straight to the hospital for tests and he was diagnosed with Giant Cell Arteritis, it's to do with the blood vessels in the head. Something I won't go into here but I will do an article on it at some point.
Dads treatment for the GCA is steroids for 2 years. However what they don't tell you when you start the steroids is the side effects, again this is something I will talk about later on. But the main side effect is the confusion and the dementia symptoms. That has been a struggle for us and if I was to say it's been hard and emotional that's an understatement! But somehow together we have battled through and now the dose he is on has dropped we can see a gradual improvement. But nobody told us what to expect, so it's been a very scary time for everyone.
Mum back in May (2020) fell and broke her hip. You know sometimes I honestly think our family is jinxed! But 8 months on she is making a good recovery.
I think what I am trying to say is life has been hard, I have seen the inside of a hospital more over the last few years than I wanted too and more than some will ever see in a lifetime. I have seen both my parents suffer in a way none of us should see our parents. But I also know there are people worse off than us, struggling more than me. Do I still suffer with anxiety? Yes! Even more so now we have Covid. Do I still suffer with depression? Yes, but I know when it's creeping up on me and have found ways to try and deal with it.
Every single one of us has bad days, we just have to pick ourselves up and try our best because at the end of the day all we can ever do is our best. We shouldn't feel ashamed or scared to ask for help when we need it, in fact asking for help is one of the bravest things you can do because you're refusing to give up.
My advice to anyone struggling mentally especially with the pandemic would be, be kind to yourself. Rest. So what if you didn't get everything done today that you set out to do, it doesn't matter. Get outside and get some fresh air. Pick up the phone and connect with friends or loved ones. Just a small 10 minute conversation can change your whole mindset for the day. Lastly remember your best is good enough, you are good enough and tomorrow is a new day to try again.
Caroline x
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